In a chaotic stasis...

Saturday was a stressful day for my family. Over the last week, my mom deteriorated quickly, becoming even more confused and talking just plain old crazy. She called me 49 times on Friday, asking where she was and why she was there. I explained over and over that she was in rehab, and there to get strong enough to come home. Then the calls turned angry, and she asked why my brothers and I were doing this to her. She asked why I had chopped up Monet. I told her Monet was alive and well and happy, and she started sobbing uncontrollably, so thankful and happy that Monet was alive. Then ten minutes later, Monet would be chopped up or poisoned or killed in some other way, and it would start all over.

Then, she started calling 911. And her caretaker, and telling her to call 911. So I got a few calls from the Sheriff's office inquiring what was going on. Apparently my mom told the caretaker that my brothers and I had taken her out of rehab and put her in my upstairs bathroom and were going to kill her.

So, I called the rehab and told them maybe it was time to take away her phone for the night. I told them to tell her that her whole family would  be there to see her in the morning.

First thing Saturday morning, the rehab called and said she was refusing her oxygen again. So my brothers and I rush over (my younger brother had arrived with two of my nieces at 12 am the night before), and my mom is in bed, and totally unresponsive, but wearing her oxygen. I asked the nurse if they had sedated her, and she said no, my mom had refused all her medications that morning, and kept saying she wanted to die.

My mom remained almost totally unresponsive the whole day, except for very brief periods of lucidity. One time, she woke up and looked around at everyone and said, "Hi!" in a cheery voice. Then, she was gone again. Her eyes were open sometimes, but unfocused. She really appeared to be dying.

Here's a picture of Aidan and my younger brother, Patrick, holding my mom's hands.

The next day, we were all there early in the morning. We were surprised we hadn't been called during the night with news that she had passed. The nurse said there was no change. But when we went into the room, she seemed a little more alert. Her eyes were open and seemed to track things that moved. Then she said, "Thirsty!" so I helped her drink, and she drank two cups of water from a straw. Then she looked fiercely at my sister in law and told her to "GET OUT!" (My mom has never liked her, but my sister in law only wants the best and has been a huge help)

Then, my mom gradually came back. She insisted that she was awake the day before and that she was "talking with her eyes." She wanted something to eat, but wouldn't tell us what she wanted. We all started offering suggestions based on things she normally enjoyed, but she shook her head at everything. Finally, she said "Spaghetti." So my younger brother went to Olive Garden and got her spaghetti, and she ate about 1/4 of it.

The remainder of the day, she seemed almost normal. There was talk among the nurses that my mom had been faking it. My sister in law, who is a hospice nurse, also suspected that she may have been doing it for attention. That was hard for me to fathom, but it did seem like it.

But then yesterday, when things returned to normal, I went to visit her in the morning, and she was back to talking crazy, saying that her room was her old home in Palm Beach, and she didn't know why these people were in her home, and that moving men with big city buses had come and stolen all her expensive things.

I relayed this to my brother and SIL, and my sister in law said that the weekend may have been her "last hurrah," and she would probably start really declining.

So yesterday, I spent part of the day arranging for nursing home or hospice care, whichever was appropriate. I finished the Medicaid application and inquired about funeral arrangements. Then, I went home and painted a little to take my mind off things. Today, my mom seems to be doing okay, but still on the gradual downward slope. Aidan is going to bring Monet to see her.

I brought Monet to see her Saturday, but my mom wasn't aware of her being there. Monet seemed to know something wasn't right, and laid his head on her arm...

Anyway, that's where things are right now. I'm not sure what is really happening, but I'm as prepared as I can be.

For now, it's time to get back to work.

This weekend, I'll have some new art up on eBay to try and help make up for time lost at work. My friend Karen, who is a real artist, is donating one of her pieces, and is splitting the sale with me 50-50. I thought that was so generous and I'm so grateful for all of my friends. Here is the piece we will be selling together:

The description is: Painted free hand by folk artist, K. This acrylic painting is done on vintage Frederic canvas board. The painting hangs from two chic retro chrome clips. The work is a Steampunk Seahorse. Originally painted in 2013 as a challenge. The painting has been in the artist's collection since creation. The dimensions are 30 inches long by 15 inches wide. The vintage canvas board is 1/4 inch thick.

My friend has also commissioned me to paint two more Ice Pick Lickers Club for Christmas gifts! How awesome is that? :)

I'll also be listing a couple paintings this weekend. I have a new one of Tesuque that's almost done, and my "Love Story" of the girl and the dragon is almost done. Aidan is also planning on donating a painting of a mermaid she's working on, but of course, she wants most of the proceeds. Lol. Here's a preliminary glance at Tesuque (remember its not finished):

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day!

Update: my mom has been unresponsive all day but reacts to stimuli like when Monet gives her kisses, she moves a little. She squeezed my hand once. We will move her to hospice on Monday.
Thank you for your prayers.
For those who thought I was lying or exaggerating about her condition, shame on you.

And for those of you who think of Asperger's as a disability, you are sadly mistaken and greatly ignorant.

Prayers

Mom took a turn for the worse yesterday. Prayers appreciated.

And for the record, anyone who thinks Aspergers is a disability is WRONG on many levels.

Oh, Most Blessed of Days

It's Friday, finally! This week sort of lingered around like a bad dream. Yesterday wasn't too bad. My mom arrived at my work by transport for her follow up appointment for her broken hips. Her hips are doing well, but she was still actively hallucinating. While we waited for transport to pick her up, she stayed with me and my boss in our office. My boss heard some of the common themes about lizards and dragons and poison gas, and I was a little relieved to hear her handling it like I did--with gentle reassurances that those things weren't real, and that she was safe.

She's also started to talk like she was in the past. She asked what we were going to make for the turkey dinner that night when my Uncle Tommy got there. That broke my heart, because I didn't want to have to say there wasn't going to be a turkey dinner tonight. However, it also made me realize that she might really want a turkey dinner, so I'm going to do that for her this weekend, and bring it to her, even though she probably won't eat it because she'll think it's poisoned.

I'm about ready to apply for her Medicaid. Right now her stay in rehab is covered by Medicare and her secondary insurance. I'm not sure she will qualify for Medicaid, even though her only income is social security. While she's been in rehab for the last few months, her bank account has pretty much remained untouched except for her BCBS premiums, so she's got some money saved up. I also learned that her internment next to my father is paid for, although the funeral isn't. Since she didn't really have any friends, her funeral will probably be just a few members of our family.

Okay, I don't want to think about that stuff right now.

So...everyone is talking about this new Netflix show called "Stranger Things." I've watched four episodes with Joe, who loves that show. It's kind of a combination of horror, drama, mystery, and mom-who-will-do-anything-to save-her-kid thing.

Although I'm weirdly compelled to watch more, I'm not sure what the appeal is. It's set in the 80's, and the writers did an excellent job of flooding our senses with all things 80's, from Dungeons and Dragons to rotary telephones, to The Smiths. The idea of this monster that mutilates some people and kidnaps others mystifies me. To me, only having watched four episodes so far, it appears to grab people from our dimension and take them to an alternate, much darker one. I don't know why it does this for some, but just flat out kills some others, like the yellow chem suited guy who went willingly into it's lair attached to a heavy steel cable, and returned as a bloody pelvis.

So, if a full grown adult can't evade this faceless thing, how can these kidnapped kids remain alive for such a long time in it's lair, and evade it's capture when it's literally breathing down their necks?

I'm having a hard time grasping that. Lol. And during the first few episodes, there was a lot of dialogue that makes editors cringe. The info dump. Too much exposition revealed in dialogue solely for the purpose of giving information to the viewer. In other words, unrealistic dialogue.

The campy horror scenes only bothered me a little, as I recognized the writers were trying to incorporate an 80's-type theme, and many movies from the 80's were campy. Like the car hesitating to start at the time it really needs to start. Lol.

The character I really like is Eleven. That little girl is a good actress. The emotion she conveys with just her eyes and mouth is very believable, and powerful. And it's pretty cool she has those "wizard" superpowers. The reaction of the toothless kid to her powers is classic.

Anyway, the reviews of this show are all gooey good, so I'm excited to see how it ends.

Time to get ready for a short work day. I'm going to paint this weekend. I am going to paint this weekend. I am going to paint this weekend. There. I've said it three times, so it will happen. :)

Developments

Shortly after I finished my blog yesterday morning, the rehab called and said my mom was refusing to put on her oxygen. They said she had worked herself up so that she was "minutes" away from cardiac arrest. So, Aidan and I rushed over.

By the time we got there, my mom was in bed with her oxygen on, but not looking well or happy at all. And when she started talking, it just got worse. She was more than confused; she was talking nonsense and craziness. I realized she was having some pretty vivid hallucinations, and those hallucinations stayed active and strong all day.

I called my brother, who told his wife who is a hospice nurse, and she said that it could be a reaction to a medication change compounded by her urinary tract infection. Or she could simply be starting a transitioning process into death.

She said she was forced to watch a video the night before, and it had been sent by her three kids. And as she watched the dreadful video about how kids "bump off" their parents, my brothers and I were "standing in the hallway, laughing, and saying how great it would be when Granny was gone." (We never have called her "Granny," by the way.

I explained that my brothers and I weren't there the night before, and that we loved her and weren't laughing at her. She didn't look convinced.

She said that after the video, which she watched in the hacienda mansion that had pink marble floors, they took her back to her room and put her into bed. At that time, the room began to fill with powder and mist, and she looked up, and a "beast's head" in the corner of the room had descended from the ceiling and was pouring poison gas into the room. I asked if it was still there, and she said, "Not right now."

She asked how my brother was coming along with the plan to bump her off at 4:00. I calmly told her that there were no plans to do anything like that, and that I was trying to bring her home, although I didn't see how we could do it at this time. I have one sibling, my older brother, about 35 minutes south of me, and he hasn't helped much (until this past weekend when my SIL saw exactly what I've been dealing with alone for the last three years). Private duty hospice is very expensive if my mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid. We are applying for Medicaid, but while in rehab, she hasn't spent much of the money she gets from social security, because she hasn't had to pay for prescriptions. So she has more than $2500 in the bank right now. I'm praying the Medicaid goes through.

I also have to work, and my siblings work, too. My younger brother lives in VA, and has pretty much disowned my mom, so he can't be relied on to help.

My older brother and SIL offered to help me move her from where she is to a really nice nursing home in Titusville, which is close to their home. They said it was time to give me a break and for them to start helping, too, and I really appreciated that.

Anyway, my mom isn't eating. She thinks everyone is trying to poison her. She said her eggs and bacon the rehab served yesterday for breakfast had lizards that breathed fire in them, and the lizards had shot into her body and were breathing fire into her veins, and fire was like pop rocks in her wrist and popping out her ankles. She said she saw purple and yellow lights floating around her room, and lights flowing through her veins.

She said lizards were everywhere--under my chair, on her bed, in her body, in her food, and they were trying to breathe fire on her and in her and she was on fire, and the poison gas was misting about the room. Aidan was growing very distraught, so I asked my mom if she would eat some McDonald's. She really needs to eat. I don't think she's eaten anything for a couple of days. Normally, my mom would LOVE McDonald's, and she brightened at the prospect, briefly.

Aidan left, and I calmly kept trying to assure her we weren't going to kill her, had no plans to ever kill her, and that we loved her. I told her she was having hallucinations and tried to show her that what she was seeing and feeling wasn't real. I explained if there was poison gas in the room, everybody would be dying, not just her.

When Aidan came back with the McDonald's, she took out her fries, and ate two or three before she inspected the box and said, "Can you see them? Right there! Their puny dragon heads are popping out of the fries." Then she said they were poisoned.

I took the box and ate several fries and said they were delicious. I told her they weren't poisoned and she needed to eat. I opened the hamburger box for her and she ate three bites, then said it didn't taste right, and there were white poison things in it.

She kept complaining about fire and being so hot, so I felt her skin, and it did feel very warm, so I got the nurse and had her take my mom's temperature, which was a little high.

I explained to the nurse what was going on, and she said she would notify the doctor. She came back a little while later and said they were discontinuing one of her medications and ordering her labs.

Then my brother texted and said he was on his way. And Aidan said she was going to go home and get Monet in an effort to distract her from the hallucinations.

I thought that the hallucinations about fire, and lizard's and beasts, might have something to do with a fear of going to hell. My mom was raised Catholic, and she liked to listen to a certain priest on tv on Sundays, so I went to the case worker and asked if we could bring in a local priest to pray with her and give her communion. He said he would arrange that.

When my brother got there, we talked with the case worker and got things rolling to get her evaluated for hospice and transferred to the place in Titusville. My SIL works at that place, and she would make sure my mom got plenty of attention. And it's not too far for me to bring Monet on the weekends.

By then, it was 3:00, and I had promised Joe I would watch a new Netflix series he likes, and I also had to gather all the things needed to apply for Medicaid. Aidan was on her way with Monet, and my brother was still there, so I felt it was okay to leave. My mom also seemed calmer.

So, I went home and watched "Stranger Things" with Joe, and multi-tasked at the same time with Medicaid stuff. Then, Aidan called and said my mom freaked out when Monet got there, because she was terrified that the lizards would get Monet and burn her. And she didn't want Aidan to give her a hug, because my mom was afraid the plastic beads on her shirt would "weld" them together, since they had turned to silver and were on fire. And she was even too afraid to hold Monet for fear of Monet getting burned, and that really made me sad.

I called the rehab nurse and explained my mom was still actively hallucinating. She said the labs came back normal, and the doctor would be in soon. The nurse seemed confident it was the new medication that was causing all this, and now that it had been stopped, my mom should be back to "normal" in a few days. To me that's a long time to spend in terror.

Anyway, yesterday was a sad day.

Around bathtime, I was in a somber mood, and I decided to give out one of the most definitive things I've found in the chase. I posted the method to find it, and emailed Forrest. Then put a quick shout out on CC, telling them to look at my blog. But after a couple minutes, I had second thoughts, and took it down. Knowing CC, they would have ridiculed me no matter how convincing and indisputable the evidence, and I didn't want to invite that on myself right then.

Someone on my hot spot page (and I know who it is), has posted over 300 nonsensical comments in the past two days. It's amazing how some people think I'm so idiotic, yet they spend hours wasting their time posting hundreds of nonsense comments on my blog.

Wow, it's already 6:00. I'll leave you with one cute thing from yesterday. While we were watching TV, Joe fell asleep, and Hermione aka Crappy, fell asleep on Joe's leg, and Monet quickly joined her.

And then a little later, I cupped Monet's face in my hand, and she just plopped down and fell asleep on it.

Never mind...

Never mind...don't bother...

Math is terrible

The more I solve of Forrest's poem, the more I'm finding that math is inevitable. Or at least numbers are inevitable. I've known numbers would play a role in the solve, but not really like this. I don't think all the numbers I'm finding are important, and the trick is to find the numbers that are important rather than the numbers that are just extra "noise."

I do realize that the important things are BOLD, though hard to detect until your eyes adapt.

But my eyesight is not the best, and trying to decide which things are bold isn't super easy. I did find a nice crow, though. Very Forrest-esque drawing. :)

But the idea of having to do something with the numbers I'm finding over and over is daunting. Some are easy, like highways. Others, I'm not sure what they mean, because they're combined with letters that aren't N, W, E, or S.

I'm almost done, though, and have the state, the area, and the geography. I just have to "connect the dots." And do some math, maybe.

However, time is still my enemy. There are so many daily struggles, and my mind is in fifty places at once. I've got to find a way for my mom to come home to die (that I can afford). The ideal is home hospice, but I'm not sure me or my mom have the kind of money that will take. My brother is helping a little, but not financially. My sister-in-law has been a huge help with good advice, as she has been a hospice nurse for a very long time. She posted this on Facebook the other day, and I thought it was very nice and compassionate.

It is hard to see my mom decline so quickly. And I've never dealt with anything like this before, so I'm sort of at a loss how to go about things. I've been meeting and talking with case workers, and my mom calls me about twenty or so times a day, very confused and just asking me not to forget her, and that no matter what, she loves me. To me, that sounds like someone who is preparing to die. I'm thinking of taking the day off, or at least leaving work early today, so I can bring Monet for a long visit. That's what she really wants, and that's what makes her happy.

My brother is checking into funeral arrangements. We think that before my dad died, he paid for my mom's final costs and made those arrangements, but we don't know for sure, so he's checking into that. That's a huge help to me.

Joe had a rough day at school yesterday due to beginning of the year shyness. We talked for a long time, and I think he's doing better, but my heart breaks for him, because I see a lot of myself in there, and I remember the struggles with shyness I had as a kid. It was debilitating.

So last night, I found myself praying a lot, and I do feel more at peace. I think when bad things happen in clumps of "rain," it's like a test. You can either wallow in the mud, or you can look up, find the break in the clouds, and put one foot in front of the other til you emerge back into the sunshine. I'm not a wallower, even though sometimes I feel like just sinking. But that's not an option, and I do what I have to do to make it back to the sunshine. And that journey back to the sun might not be fun, and might mean sacrifice, but I do what I have to do for the good of myself and my family. And the only way I can do that is with God's strength. Because I simply don't have it. He's the reason I make it through any hardship. :)