Thank you

Thank you all for your warm condolences. They mean a lot to me.

I'm doing okay. I've spent most of the day working on my mom's tribute, which I hope everyone will find interesting and enjoy. I think everyone has a story, and everyone's story is interesting. As I look through my mom's baby book and photos and remember a few of the few stories she told me, I'm finding that her story is definitely worth sharing. I'm learning new things about her, and realizing some things I'd never really thought of before.

I'm realizing just how beautiful she was, physically, and how that might have affected her personality. She was a knockout, and I'm sure she had her share of male attention from every angle. Yet she stayed with my dad all the way to the end, and my dad, although a really good looking guy when he was young, really lived a hard kind of life with a lot of drinking and smoking so that as he grew older, he didn't age well. She could have left him for guys with a lot more money, better looks, better health, etc, but didn't. I admire her greatly for that, and am finding that below the superficial appearance of self-absorbed selfishness and vanity, there were some great qualities, and I hope to share her story with you in the next day or two.

No more sadness, no more pain..

My mom's earthly body is gone, but her new, healthy body is rejoicing in heaven. My heart holds onto that eternal hope.

I'm so glad I was able to bring her home, where she could die with dignity, in comfort, with the people who loved her. We all had a chance to say goodbye.

But my mind is a chaotic numbness, and tears still fall.

I'm preparing a tribute for her, and my boss, Karen, is letting me work from home. Karen rushed over when I texted her around 8:25 pm that I thought my mom was gone...she stayed with me until the funeral home took her away. As we waited for them to arrive, Aidan and I showed her pictures of my mom when she was younger... I'll save those for the tribute.

I was afraid to turn the lights off last night. And afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid she'd come to me in a dream and tell me I wasn't good enough. But I did eventually turn out the lights and go to sleep.

I dreamed I was in a building and a bomb threat made the lights flicker and an alarm sound, and everyone stampeded out of there, but I just walked quickly. Outside, in the distance, I could see other buildings exploding. I knew the building behind me was going to blow up, so I started walking in a different direction than everyone else (they were running towards the buildings in the distance that were exploding). I turned and walked diagonally into the trees, and tried to call out to everyone I could to get them to stop running towards the explosions. Then I woke up.

I saw a lot of condolences on CC, and each one made me cry. Even those who were contentious toward me took a moment to offer condolences, and I appreciated them all. Forrest and Dal also sent condolences, and I appreciated those, too.

It's a weird feeling without her here. But I can't deny that I was blessed to have a chance to say goodbye and assure her that I loved her, and always would, and was sorry for all the times I had the chance to say I loved her, but didn't. I told her I was sorry for not being the "pink daughter" she'd hoped for, but I think I made up for that in other ways. Maybe I should expand my wardrobe to include a little pink among all the black and white and brown.

Anyway, another chapter of our life has closed, and we start a new one today. I look forward to the final chapter, when we are all together again in heaven.

Something to Help

Maybe this video will help understand me and others with CONFIRMED DIAGNOSES with Asperger's. I think it's excellent. Because I can write very well, and because I have learned the art of imitation pretty well, I can see why some question my diagnosis. See me twenty years ago, and it's a different story. Spend a few days with me, and you'll probably see too..

Also this:

The Last Day

I tried to sneak in a little sleep last night, but as soon as I would doze off, my mom would cry out, and I'd come to her and find her oxygen cannula had fallen off, or she'd swiped it off. I put it back on and waited for her to fall asleep again, and then tried to get a little more sleep. I think I got maybe an hour at best.

A normal, healthy person's oxygen saturation is 98-100. Yesterday, my mom's ranged from 49-50, but after medications and breathing treatments, would hover around 85, which isn't terribly bad like 49-50. This morning, even after meds and a breathing treatment, her oxygen sat isn't going higher than 60, which isn't a good sign.

She's also whispering things, and I can't understand what she's saying, but I think she's just saying things she wants to get off her chest before passing.

I think it's now just a matter of hours.

I want to apologize to those on CC for any harsh or arrogant words I posted yesterday. Yes, everything I say on CC is my opinion. I am extremely confident in my solve, and I have found the answers to every clue, through the writings of a person I believe to be Forrest's ancestor. You can't find the information online, but you can order the book.  In this book are vividly detailed descriptions of New Mexico and those who lived there 100 years ago.

And no, I don't have histrionic personality disorder. I don't dress or act seductively. I don't go out looking for attention or praise. I do want people to see what I see, and to know some of the things I know. I do have an unhealthy desire to help. If I had $100 to my name and saw someone in need, I'd probably end up giving them $99. I don't post to be popular or brag or take center stage. I post this blog because I enjoy blogging. It's therapy for me, and I know sometimes, something I say helps someone else. I post the Fenn Hot Spot because it's fun, and I enjoy sharing bits and pieces of my research.

If I come across as a braggart and a know it all, I apologize, because in every day reality, I'm not like that. If you want to understand me, read about women with Asperger's, and you might understand a little better and not be so quick to judge.

Anyway, I'm sitting by my mom's side as she dozes. It breaks my heart to see her struggling for every breath even while sleeping. I've got her on 4 liters continuous oxygen, about as high as the machine can go, and it's still not enough. I finally ended up giving her an oxycodone and a Xanax to help relieve her anxiety and to help open her airway a little, even though she hated those medications when she was in better health.

And I'm missing yet another day of work. All of my paid time off is gone. I'm not sure how I'll pay the bills this month, but I know I'm doing the right thing being with her today, and I know God will provide.

I am really tired. The CNA, Cathy, will be here at 7:30. She's been a huge help, and I'm thankful for that. Hospice will also be here this morning, and will help make my mom more comfortable.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I've made some really good friends in the chase, and I'm thankful. :)

What Matters...

Today has been a long day.

I brought my mom home, and it seems like she was hanging on JUST to come home. Once we got her settled in her favorite chair with Monet and Judge Judy on TV and cookies in the oven (she didn't end up eating any), the CNA I hired arrived and we sat with her for a while, and she seemed okay.

James and I ran to the store to pick up a pulse oximeter and a new first aid kit in case the dog or cat scratched her, and a few other things. We got back home and her oxygen saturation kept slowly dropping, and her legs started to get really cold, although she said she was very hot. Then she started to fade and whispered quietly that she wasn't ready to die. I said, "Then stay as long as you, and when you feel ready, Jesus will gather you in his arms and take you to heaven, where there will be no more coughing, no more pain, no more crying and you will have a joy and a happiness that surpasses anything that you could feel on earth."

I assured her that although we would miss her, we would be okay, and we would never forget her.

Then, I prayed with her because she wanted to be absolutely sure she was going to heaven. During the prayer, Monet jumped on the bed, and laid her head in her lap.

I called hospice and they came out and got a hospital bed ordered. It arrived about an hour later. He said it appears that she is failing, but that she probably won't die tonight, although he couldn't be sure. He said at most, she might have a few more days.

She's dozing comfortably for the moment in her new bed in the family room with her favorite show (The Big Bang Theory) on her giant TV.

My mom kept saying this was her last night on earth and she wanted to stay awake to look at everything so she would remember it when she got to heaven. I told her she could look down from
heaven at any time to see how we're doing. I said if it looks like we're goofing up, just give us a quick
swat on the butt and we'll shape up. Lol.

Then her voice started to fade and she dozed in and out. I turned on a golden oldies music channel on the TV and she seemed to like that.

I took a short break while she's asleep to soak my back in the bath. Lifting her by myself is murder on my back, but I don't want anyone else to do it.

James has been an awesome help, getting the family room ready for the hospital bed and moral support. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, but I did in front of him today, and he wasn't afraid to just wrap me in his arms.

Anyway, time to get out of the bed and resume my vigil. If this is her last night on Earth, I'm going to be there with her and for her every step of the way.

Earlier, we talked about her mom and dad, and my dad, and other family members, relating fun times we've had in the past. That seems to help.

Anyway, as always, prayers anyone might send my way are much appreciated. Thank you to the kind souls who really seem to care. Your kindness does not go unnoticed.

The sunset...

Wow oh wow oh wow

Day One Santa Freakin Fe:

Today was an awesome day from start to end. Our flight was long, but fun because I skunked James in Trivia Science and he skunked me in Trivia Sports. I did a little polishing up on the solve we're taking the film crew on tomorrow. And that will be super exciting, I just know it, because we saw a miracle upon landing in Albuquerque.

In Santa Fe, where even the most impossible things you can think of becomes possible, you might find corn testing out their wings at the airport. How wonderful is that? You just get this overwhelming feeling of joy, and you want to yell, "Fly, Giant Corn Cob! Fly your giant starchy heart out!"

Then, we found our second miracle of food, and I immediately want to find the chocolately goodness inside one, and James wanted to market them for profit.

Then I realized it was a cruel joke, and I almost cried, because I wanted to be the one to think of putting that sticker on that strawberry. I felt like asking the flight attendant for one of those strawberries with the M&M's in it, but decided that trying to explain it all after the joke was done would be too tiring.

After that, we headed to the Matteucci Gallery in our bright red 2016 or 17 red Mustang GT 5.0. It was awesome fast.

Matteucci's pretty cool. Lots of Eric Sloane art, and a backyard sculpture garden to poke around in. We found a little snake and I grabbed his tail before he slithered away. He wasn't venomous. I'll have pics of the car and things we saw at Matteucci tomorrow night, after our day of searching with a producer and her film crew. I think I did okay, but I forgot a lot of stuff, which I will talk about tomorrow.

Then we had my interview with the producer, who was really cool. I didn't feel quite as awkward in front of a camera as I thought I would. It should be really fun!

Then it was time for a couple's massage in the spa, which we enjoyed immensely. Then room service in our room for one last burst of energy,,,goodnight y'all!

I'm Bringing her Home

God does work miracles. Tuesday I got a call from my mom's old caregiver, and she said a friend of hers had a client who had recently passed away and left her without work. She vouched for this lady's abilities, and said she would take care of my mom while I was work, and even stay overnight when she needed to, for only $8 an hour. I couldn't believe it.

When I called the lady and talked to her, I asked why she would take such a low amount of money, and she said she'd heard about the things that had happened to my mom, and truly believed she should not be in a nursing home, and wanted to be a blessing to someone.

I felt like screaming "You're hired!" right then and there with a bowlful of joyful tears, but I checked myself. I'm interviewing her Friday, and next week while James is here, I'll use his muscles to help make my mom's room more handicapped friendly. Then, I'll either bring my mom home after my search trip, or sometime next week, and have the new girl stay over night for the days I'll be gone. My mom has saved up a little nest egg that I can use to help with initial expenses, so everything is going to work out.

My heart has been so heavy since she's been in that rat's nest nursing home. It was dirty, and the CNA's were rude, and it was just a sad, sad place. My brother and his wife are not happy. It's like they think since she blew through almost a million dollars in five years all by herself, she automatically deserves to die in filth and terror and alone.

Nope. Not gonna happen.

And Judy, I'm praying for you and your family while your mom goes through surgery. You're a good daughter. We have a lot of older patients at our practice whose kids can't be bothered to take their parents home from surgery, and they live just around the block. I can't tell you how often me, my boss, and my daughter have offered to be a ride for patients having minor surgery.

Okay, now for some chase related news:

I believe I have it nailed down. Every clue.

My spot is easily accessible and not considered dangerous. It's family friendly nowadays, but probably not so much in the past. My area is under 10,200 feet, in a heart of the Rocky Mountains, and I can see it being special to F in a certain way.

Also, I'd like to say that if, by some miracle, it isn't where the clues lead me, I'll humbly eat some crow pie. I may be confident, but I'm never so arrogant to admit if and when I'm wrong. I think I've said that all along, and it's still true now.

And it doesn't matter if I'm wrong. I'm taking another trip to the Rocky Mountains, to a place I've never been, with a person I love, and that's a treasure to be cherished in my memories forever, isn't it?

And if I can keep from getting cactus needles in my butt, prevent myself from clumsily stumbling over the edge of a cliff or a curb, or getting a bad case of the flu or food poisoning while I'm there, I'm nearly 100% sure we'll have fun. And that's what it's about for me, although, man, I sure could use the extra money right now.

And yes, I'm up at 4:00 am this morning, because I'm excited. I'm trying to prove my spot wrong, but there's just no seemingly possible way it's wrong.

Could it still be wrong? Yes. Of course. Despite the way the clues line up and everything absolutely makes sense to me, and the hidden pictures in the book correspond nearly exactly (some very exactly) to features in the area, there's still the problem of perspective. I believe I can go confidently, but my confidence may be shattered when I go BOTG to that area. However, there's a good chance that as I go confidently to that area, my confidence will prove justified. I won't know til I get there, no matter how inwardly confident and "100%" I may be.

Lots of people have been 100% and have been wrong, and I'd be a fool to say I'm definitely not one of them.

And although the area is easily accessible, you probably wouldn't want to go there in the winter, as that would up the risk very much. It does snow where we're going. And there will be a producer and I guess a film crew with us. So, by the end of the month, there's a good chance the chase will be done. But, realistically, there's always a chance that it won't. Sometimes fate, weather, timing, health, and Mother Nature seem to work against us, and I can't make predictions about those. I have first hand experience how different and VAST things look when you're physically in your search area.

And if my mom continues to decline after I bring her home, I may not be going anywhere.

There are a million scenarios, a million factors that could affect the outcome of the chase. And I know my area (in general) has been searched. But I can also very much see how people could walk (or drive, more likely) right past other clues because they didn't realize they were clues. They were looking at the surface of words, and not digging into them a little deeper. Some people have said etymologies are important, or that phonetics are important, but maybe it's a combination with the addition of a little fun.

I believe one way to verify a valid search area is to have a very good map (I personally like Mapcarta as a first resort when researching an area, then I check with Google Earth, and then try to locate older maps (which I did with this particular spot, and was happily surprised at the additional information this map provided), and then I research every single word (etymologies, word origins, and more recently and invaluable -- prefixes, root words and suffixes) associated within a ten mile area of my general spot. I've found that innocuous place names may not be so irrelevant after all. And the book I have recently found to be a very good map.

Who can find the word FEN in this pic?

Throughout this chase, I've never posted everything I've found. I've scoured every single state and been excited about a few locations, but never as excited as I am this morning. For those of you I've researched with, you know I'm relentless in my research. My mind is almost always whirring about possibilities, and I try to follow through with all of them.

But at the same time, there are many things more important than this chase, and I step away from it often. I don't spend much extra money on this, and the searches I've been on in the past have always had a dual purpose- with fun being the main priority.

And the cat just knocked a glass bowl off the counter and it shattered on the kitchen floor, so I'll stop boring you all here.

Good luck everyone...

Hermine Excitement

Yesterday, Hermione (that's what I call Hurricane Hermine) started to make her presence known around 3:00 pm. I was still at work, but I have a view of the outside from my office.

As hurricanes go, Hermine is a baby--a Category One. And she was headed way north of us, and would make landfall on the other side of the state. But the media just goes nuts with the threat of every hurricane or tropical storm, so it's all over the news. We locals are so used to the overblown hype that we don't think much of these things. Most of the time, the storm curves away, or curves northward just enough to reduce the effects to maybe a sprinkle or two.

I wasn't expecting much, and was surprised the high school had postponed their open house last night.

However, Hermione, the first hurricane to make landfall in our state since 2005, provided more excitement than I thought she would.

Around 3:45, everyone's phones started going off with weather alerts, my phone included. I glanced down and saw something I haven't seen since I lived in Oklahoma--a tornado warning. Patty, our receptionist, is a little skittish and was ready to book it into one of our three "safe rooms," but we assured her we would know when the tornado was close.

I wanted to see it coming though, so I went outside to see if I could see anything. It was amazing. I have never seen ripe tornado conditions, so the clearly visible rotation in the clouds was pretty cool, and a little unnerving. But just a little. I knew our office was really safe, with three really good internal rooms where we would be safe. Most tornadoes spawned by these hurricane feeder bands are pretty weak, so I wasn't too worried. I was more worried about being struck by lightning, which is a real killer in these storms.

So, I didn't stay outside too long, because once the alert came up on my phone, I brought up the local news website on my computer to watch the Doppler radar, and lightning was close, and plentiful.

From my desk, as the storm converged right overhead, I had an excellent view of tornadoes trying to form. It was really exciting, because I've never seen anything like it. I videoed some of it, and you can hear the excitement in my voice. I'm not sure if you can hear it, but I paged Patty in the front office, who had me on speakerphone. I had picked up the phone, so you can't hear her replies, but I could hear the front office chuckling in the background at my excitement.

And the storage in my phone was almost full, so the video cut off just before the funniest thing--when Patty reminded me that we have to act normal, because we don't want to alarm the patients.

Patty: It's crazy, I know. (Mumbling in the background with some laughs) But we have to act like nothing's happening, because we don't want to scare the patients.

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Sorry! (more good-natured laughter in the background) Okay, there's nothing happening, no scary stuff happening right outside our window. Swirling death is not outside. Carry on. (more laughter)

It appears that I am the only one in my office who hasn't seen a tornado close up. I've seen a couple of waterspouts in the distance, but have never seen a tornado actually coming down from the sky. I thought it was fascinating, and I think I would like to be a storm chaser.

It's weird, because my most terrifying nightmares are about tornadoes. In real life, they elicited more wonder than fear.

Anyway, it was exciting for me. I drove home in a downpour, and noticed a lot of debris on the road. Hermione proved to pack a little of a punch with her feeder bands. And Volusia County schools are closed today as a result. The storm is starting to move off the coast, but we still have a lot of those feeder bands on the tail end coming through.

The news says State Road 44 is flooded and closed, and that's my way to work. It didn't say where on 44 was closed, though, so my area may be open. I really need to get some hours in today.

A Space X rocket exploded yesterday (or maybe it was the day before?) at nearby Cape Canaveral. Space X has sure had its ups and downs, but they keep plugging away...they'll eventually be successful, I think...

I'm really looking forward to the long weekend! Even if it does rain the whole time... :)

Rain Coming--LOTS

So the tropical storm named Hermine is heading our way. The eye will pass north of us, but we will get the outer "feeder bands," which produce tons of rain and maybe tornadoes. It's rained all night, and most of the day yesterday, and will continue to see more rain and storm as it gets closer.

Anyway, I'm changing her name in at least my mind, to Hermione, because like Hermione the cat, she's magic. Hermione the cat cast a spell on me that made me tolerate her, and Hermione the storm made the dreaded high school open house scheduled for tonight disappear.

Last night I was sucked into ChaseChat drama, and for a little while, I played into it before a wise person reminded me that I don't need to prove myself. The people that count know who I  am, and they're the only ones that matter to me. So I removed myself from the situation and they can fight among themselves all they want.

Today will be really busy at work, and I've got to take an hour or two at lunch to meet with hospice in my mom's room. My mom has good days and bad days, and I never really know what to expect. Most days are a mixture of good and bad. She is eating more, so that's good.

I'm going to need to have a huge garage sale soon. I want and need to move into a smaller, less expensive place. The $600 a month utility bills are killing me. This house is the least energy efficient I've ever seen. And it's just too hard to keep clean.

So, I think I'm going to give my landlord a three month notice, and get this place packed up and ready to go. James will probably be down in three months, too.

I'm really looking forward to our search trip this month. It'll be so much fun to spend some more time in Santa Fe, and then head to our search area. A producer and her director will be tagging along on our search. Pretty exciting! I'm excited about staying at the Inn at San Loretto. James is amazing in every way. I need to think of a special surprise for him...

Oh yeah, yesterday, I woke up to a flat tire. I called good Ole USAA, and they came to change it. Luckily, there's a warranty on the tires, and it was fixed for free. It made Joe and I a little late for school/work, but it was just a minor annoyance. I am apparently the Queen of Flat Tires. This was the second time a screw has punctured this particular tire in the past few months. This screw was almost in the exact same place as the last one, and was actually touching the plug from the last one. Crazy!

What's weirder, is that I was the fourth flat tire that morning (it was only 7:30 when I called), and he got another call for a flat tire as he was changing mine. He said he'd never seen it before and wondered if somebody was playing tricks on I 95.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on...I've got a busy day ahead at work. And next week I'm in x-ray all week (except for Monday, which is a holiday--YAY!), so it's gonna be super busy. Time to get dressed!