Okay, so now to the meat of this post. Aidan, like myself, has always had a soft spot for animals. Yesterday, out of the blue, I get a text from her asking if she can get a new pet...she wasn't happy with my response...
I have a feeling if I had responded with a 9 or less, there would be a bunny chewing something up in our house right now.
However, I remembered how Aidan does pets. She'll beg and plead for this adorable something, and when I relent, she brings the pet in. She'll take care of it for like 30 minutes, then it's suddenly mine to feed, take care of , and love.
Also, when Aidan brings home a pet, things tend to go wrong. Jamie, remember when you asked what happened to my beautiful house on Sonya Drive? One word: Reptar.
Reptar began his life with us innocently enough. Here's Aidan just after she convinced me an iguana would be the "perfect" pet:
At first, she was a little hesitant holding him, but soon she realized he wouldn't hurt her. She named him Reptar after the Godzilla cartoon character in Rugrats. Little did we know how appropriate that name would become.
He's cute, enough, right? And small? Well, we didn't know anything about iguanas, and how they need expensive heat lamps turned on in their aquarium all the time, and how the temperature has to be just right, and how they can be picky eaters. So, it wasn't long before the hard part of caring for Reptar fell to me. Aidan even moved his aquarium from her room to my office because it was "smelly."
However, she still took time to teach Reptar tricks and put him in cute poses. It may be what started the lizard on it's path to evil. Reptar loved lounging on his purple chaise as people came to adore his cuteness and pay him homage by offering him buts of celery.
She even taught him to play the guitar. He was actually pretty good, too. At first, he liked playing boy band tunes, but his taste gradually grew darker and Metallica became his music of choice.
As he grew a little bigger, we would sometimes take him to the beach. We should've seen the horrors to come when we caught him peeping on this woman:
The beach was one of his favorite hangouts, but that's not hard to believe when you realize he had an "appetite" for human flesh.
Reptar continued to grow. When he couldn't go to the beach, he'd swim in the pool. One of his favorite things to do was to circle you like a shark while you were dozing on your raft. Then he'd pop up right next to your head and hiss like a demon spawn, and you'd freak out so bad, your raft would tip and dump you into the water. I could tell then that Reptar had a dark side. I began to look over my shoulder a lot whenever Reptar was lurking around.
Since Aidan wouldn't feed Reptar, and I was a little resentful for having the responsibility falling on me, I decided it wouldn't hurt if Reptar had breakfast at the table. After all, he could play guitar, so why not give him Kix at the table? I stopped leaving the box on the table after he kept "accidentally" knocking it over on the table. I swear he was laughing at me while I cleaned up the mess.
I think Reptar started to slip over the edge when Aidan decided she wanted to take Reptar on "walks." Reptar was used to his freedom. He'd already had the run of the beach, and could swim in the pool whenever he wanted, and play death metal guitar at all hours of the night, so when Aidan put a leash on him, he was less than pleased.
But still, Reptar put on a happy face...for a while...
Then, Aidan subjected Reptar to the ultimate indignity which finally sent him over the edge.
So, Reptar started turning into an angry iguana...and he just wouldn't stop growing. And he smelled really, really bad.
One day, when I opened the front door, Reptar shot past me, knocking me about ten feet. I slammed against the far wall, and Reptar was gone, leaving me with just his leftover stink and a huge repair bill.
Reptar is still alive out there, somewhere. And he appears to be still growing, and can change his appearance at will. He still has a love for the female form though, and this picture was snapped somewhere in the mountains, just before an unfortunate tragedy befell the unwary woman:
Reptar tends to pop up wherever beautiful women are hiking alone. He is a charmer, using his magical seductive powers to lure women close. I think he makes them think he's a bunny. But then, he pounces, and the hapless females don't stand a chance:
Most recently, an amateur photographer out birdwatching in Apalachicola caught this moment on film. Apparently, Reptar saw this man and woman picnicking by a pond. He thought the woman was too beautiful for that man, so he sprung into action. He proceeded to chew up the guy and spit him out in bloody pieces, then gobbled up the woman, swallowing her whole. He was said to have uttered a loud, satisfied burp while rubbing a clawed foot over his tummy.
So, I've learned my lesson about giving in to Aidan's requests for "adorable" pets. No bunnies, no iguanas, and certainly no bunnies AND iguanas.
Knowing our history with pets, the bunny would probably grow into this:
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