The Good and Bad of Florida, Part 2: Crazy People

The Memes about Florida are rampant on the Internet. Yes, there are plenty of "Ha ha! It's 80 degrees and we're at the beach while you're shoveling snow!" meme's, but the meme's about Florida's population of insane, bizarre, and bat poop crazy people are growing at an alarming rate.

Notice how the following meme says Florida is where crazy people MOVE? So, the crazy part doesn't apply to me, because I was BORN here. :) Oh, it doesn't apply to Paul, either, because he's cool, not crazy.

Remember the guy who threw an alligator at a server at a drive through? Well, people do other strange things with alligators here. Like the guy who took an alligator to a store and tried to use it as currency to buy beer.

This is actual footage of the guy. Thankfully, the clerk said, "No Sir, you can't buy beer with an alligator."

But, alligators have a sense of humor, too, and apparently don't like to be used in criminal activity. One time, a robbery suspect was hiding from police, and a nearby alligator saved some taxpayer dollars and saved the po po's from making fools of themselves by eating the suspect.

And, only in Florida is molesting alligators a crime:

In my research for this post, I discovered food is something Floridians value more than freedom. Almost every criminal act seemed to involve food in some way or another.

Like this guy, who attacked three women with a sword and a peanut butter sandwich. Were the women starving and trying to take his peanut butter sandwich?

Or this guy who attacked his girlfriend with a banana...ohhhh, he looks pretty freaking scary. I guess he does look like someone who could make a banana a lethal weapon.

This guy didn't really commit a violent crime. Like many criminals in Florida, he's just stupid. He tried to use his taco as ID after he sets his car on fire. How do you "accidentally" set your car on fire, anyway?

And people seem to get very violent if you get their order wrong, or don't have the food they want. I would imagine that being a waiter or waitress of delivery driver in Florida is a very dangerous job!

We have a lot of people pretending to be cops here. But usually it's because they're trying to score with a woman. This guy just wanted a free meal at IHOP...and to pull down his pants.

No corn dog is ever so important to get stabbed over. Come on, really?

And this brilliant example that Darwin was wrong decided to call 9-1-1 because McDonald's ran out of nuggets. She could've just walked down about a half mile down the road to the next one.

Even utensils can get you killed here.

And this news article is seemingly pointless, and somewhat impossible, seeing as this is FLORIDA. Oh, and Dollar Stores in Florida deserve a whole post of their own:

If people aren't murdering other people over food, crimes usually involve naked people and/or sex. Some crimes bizarrely involve both:

The naked and the sex starved are also sadly rampant here. I think people think because it's so warm and wacky here, you can just roam around naked willy nilly all over the place.

Here we have the relatively innocent crime of stealing manhole covers between a naked crime and a sex crime:

Florida's criminals are like no other criminals in the world. Like my buddy Cherries Waffles Tennis that robbed the Waffle House. Here we have Crystal Metheny. What the heck are these parents thinking? At least Crystal wasn't arrested for meth, But she may have been on it when she decided to shoot up someone's car.

Our news journalists have developed a sense of humor as the news gets stranger and stranger:

Here's a compilation of some Miami mugshots. Sometimes at work, my boss and I look up arrests that happened over the weekend in Volusia County, and we've seen some that even beat these. The sad faced guy with blue hair at the bottom is especially funny to me. And if you look hard, you will see Beaker from the Muppets.

We also have the dumbest criminals in the world. Like this guy who thought he could cash this check. I wonder why he chose $368 billion? Why not $367 billion or $369 billion? Did he think 368 would be a little less conspicuous?

And then we have this fake dentist who apparently thought kissing a patient's butt was worth losing his fake license and going to jail over.

Then, we have things that aren't really criminal, but just plain dumb, or weird, or bizarre. Like this mysterious giant Lego guy that washed up on the beach:

Click this link to see what the Brevard County Sheriff's Office just came out with! Hilarious! By the way, Merritt Island, where I grew up, is in Brevard County.

According to one news source, the strange events that happen here in Florida on a daily basis are signs that the apocalypse will start here. Notice the first picture of the bawling lady. It says "another," meaning this must happen on a regular basis!

Or maybe even the ZOMBIE apocalypse.

But, never fear, Paul. If you don't steal anyone's food, or protect yours with violence, or molest alligators or use them to commit a crime, or run around naked, or try to cash billion dollar checks, you'll be fine in our beautiful state.

And I'll be around to protect you, since I am a Viking Ninja Superhero. :)