The Last Day

I tried to sneak in a little sleep last night, but as soon as I would doze off, my mom would cry out, and I'd come to her and find her oxygen cannula had fallen off, or she'd swiped it off. I put it back on and waited for her to fall asleep again, and then tried to get a little more sleep. I think I got maybe an hour at best.

A normal, healthy person's oxygen saturation is 98-100. Yesterday, my mom's ranged from 49-50, but after medications and breathing treatments, would hover around 85, which isn't terribly bad like 49-50. This morning, even after meds and a breathing treatment, her oxygen sat isn't going higher than 60, which isn't a good sign.

She's also whispering things, and I can't understand what she's saying, but I think she's just saying things she wants to get off her chest before passing.

I think it's now just a matter of hours.

I want to apologize to those on CC for any harsh or arrogant words I posted yesterday. Yes, everything I say on CC is my opinion. I am extremely confident in my solve, and I have found the answers to every clue, through the writings of a person I believe to be Forrest's ancestor. You can't find the information online, but you can order the book.  In this book are vividly detailed descriptions of New Mexico and those who lived there 100 years ago.

And no, I don't have histrionic personality disorder. I don't dress or act seductively. I don't go out looking for attention or praise. I do want people to see what I see, and to know some of the things I know. I do have an unhealthy desire to help. If I had $100 to my name and saw someone in need, I'd probably end up giving them $99. I don't post to be popular or brag or take center stage. I post this blog because I enjoy blogging. It's therapy for me, and I know sometimes, something I say helps someone else. I post the Fenn Hot Spot because it's fun, and I enjoy sharing bits and pieces of my research.

If I come across as a braggart and a know it all, I apologize, because in every day reality, I'm not like that. If you want to understand me, read about women with Asperger's, and you might understand a little better and not be so quick to judge.

Anyway, I'm sitting by my mom's side as she dozes. It breaks my heart to see her struggling for every breath even while sleeping. I've got her on 4 liters continuous oxygen, about as high as the machine can go, and it's still not enough. I finally ended up giving her an oxycodone and a Xanax to help relieve her anxiety and to help open her airway a little, even though she hated those medications when she was in better health.

And I'm missing yet another day of work. All of my paid time off is gone. I'm not sure how I'll pay the bills this month, but I know I'm doing the right thing being with her today, and I know God will provide.

I am really tired. The CNA, Cathy, will be here at 7:30. She's been a huge help, and I'm thankful for that. Hospice will also be here this morning, and will help make my mom more comfortable.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I've made some really good friends in the chase, and I'm thankful. :)