My mom's earthly body is gone, but her new, healthy body is rejoicing in heaven. My heart holds onto that eternal hope.
I'm so glad I was able to bring her home, where she could die with dignity, in comfort, with the people who loved her. We all had a chance to say goodbye.
But my mind is a chaotic numbness, and tears still fall.
I'm preparing a tribute for her, and my boss, Karen, is letting me work from home. Karen rushed over when I texted her around 8:25 pm that I thought my mom was gone...she stayed with me until the funeral home took her away. As we waited for them to arrive, Aidan and I showed her pictures of my mom when she was younger... I'll save those for the tribute.
I was afraid to turn the lights off last night. And afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid she'd come to me in a dream and tell me I wasn't good enough. But I did eventually turn out the lights and go to sleep.
I dreamed I was in a building and a bomb threat made the lights flicker and an alarm sound, and everyone stampeded out of there, but I just walked quickly. Outside, in the distance, I could see other buildings exploding. I knew the building behind me was going to blow up, so I started walking in a different direction than everyone else (they were running towards the buildings in the distance that were exploding). I turned and walked diagonally into the trees, and tried to call out to everyone I could to get them to stop running towards the explosions. Then I woke up.
I saw a lot of condolences on CC, and each one made me cry. Even those who were contentious toward me took a moment to offer condolences, and I appreciated them all. Forrest and Dal also sent condolences, and I appreciated those, too.
It's a weird feeling without her here. But I can't deny that I was blessed to have a chance to say goodbye and assure her that I loved her, and always would, and was sorry for all the times I had the chance to say I loved her, but didn't. I told her I was sorry for not being the "pink daughter" she'd hoped for, but I think I made up for that in other ways. Maybe I should expand my wardrobe to include a little pink among all the black and white and brown.
Anyway, another chapter of our life has closed, and we start a new one today. I look forward to the final chapter, when we are all together again in heaven.
5 comments:
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God, filled with mercy, dwelling in the heavens' heights, bring proper rest beneath the wings of your Shechinah, amid the ranks of the holy and the pure, illuminating like the brilliance of the skies the souls of our beloved and our blameless who went to their eternal place of rest. May You who are the source of mercy shelter them beneath Your wings eternally, and bind their souls among the living, that they may rest in peace.
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Mindy,
My prayers are with you...stay strong my friend... until next time.. see ya
Focused
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Mindy,
My prayers are with you...stay strong my friend... until next time.. see ya
Focused
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Mindy,
I am very sorry for your loss.
If you really doubt if you were a good daughter to your mother and whether she was happy with you, place yourself in her position and ask that question again. You were stellar! No one could ask for more from a child, ever. There is nothing you could have ever done to detract from your last days with her and what you gave her at that time. Don't you ever forget that. I'm very proud of you as I'm sure everyone is, especially and including your mom.
Take your time to grieve and then get back to living. Forrest said too that we are all just here to bring happiness and comfort to one another, and he's right. You did your job and got an A+, so all that is left is to enjoy what others bring you, unless and until you are needed again in the same capacity. Everything is going to be alright. :)
Most sincere condolences,
Rick
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Mindy, the nightmare you had last night is all about what has happened during the last few months, particularly, how you're currently feeling about not being good enough or meeting your mom's expectations. No, let go of those thoughts. Your mom was proud of you and loved you dearly. She got her pink and that was having a loving daughter. She knows this. Pink clothing with ribbon and frills is nice, but to have a daughter who is strong, smart, caring, and all the other positive attributes, is what matters the most. May you find the peace within yourself to know you are meant to be who YOU want to be. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Your mom sings with the angels and wears a smile upon her face. She's happy and will see you in Heaven.