On my Mind

I want to talk about something that's heavy on my heart and mind.

My mom.

When my mom passed away, I was flooded with emotions. As I looked down at her as her hand grew slowly colder in mine, it was hard for me to comprehend that she wasn't in there anymore. So I looked up to the ceiling to see if I could see her, or her soul, ascending into heaven. I couldn't. 

After a bit, when I was alone that night and scared to turn off the TV or go to sleep, I felt anger. Anger at those who dared to say I lied about my mom's condition, and that I was over exaggerating it, even though I knew she didn't have long to live. I was so angry that if a certain person was there at that moment, I would have punched him in the face so hard his teeth would've embedded themselves in my wall. 

I didn't talk about it at the time, because I knew the anger would pass. It sorta did, but I'm still angry. I would like everyone, next time they ASSUME someone is playing the sympathy card, to bite their tongue and maybe keep those assumptions to themselves, because no matter what anyone thinks, no one can determine whether something is bulls$$t over the Internet. And in this case, that person was flat out wrong, and tried to slander and ruin me by saying I was over-dramatizing my mom's condition to gain sympathy and win a debate. The fact was my mom had nothing to do with winning the debate. I won the debate because this person couldn't logically answer a few simple questions.

Well, dumbass, look who's the fool now. You are (well, actually, you've been the fool all along). You had no knowledge other than what you chose to believe in your tiny, stubborn head. And you led others down the same black path you tread on. That is heinous, immoral, unethical and cruel. You had NO IDEA what was going on inside my home. You had NO IDEA what it was like to see my mom fading before my eyes. 

So, I caution everyone to be not so hasty to judge. 

I received a nasty comment the other day from someone who couldn't believe I was already selling her things. Yes, I was, and I was selling her king sized bed before she died to get her a hospital bed. And I'm selling some of her things now, because it hurts to look at them, especially the kids. Every time they walk past her room, they're reminded that someone they loved used to sleep in there. And will never sleep in there again. I'm keeping her special effects, like a jewelry box shaped like a deer she was given as a child, and things like that. But, beds and giant dressers we have no need of have to go.

And some have mentioned I'm cracking jokes "too early" after her death. You see, the full force of her passing hasn't hit me yet. It took me three or four months to let all the tears I had for my dad to pour out. When I walk out of my bedroom every morning, I still expect to see her there. When my phone rings, my first thought is that it's her. So, I don't think things have really processed yet. I've taken care of her for five years, and I still rush home every day after work. It's become a habit, and it'll take time to break.

I also chose not to be a victim. She has passed on to a better place. Crying and barricading myself in the house won't do anyone any good. Laughter is good medicine, and I try to remain cheerful while still grieving. I want the kids to see that although I'm sad, life must go on, the bills have to be paid, and wallowing in pity never helps.

So please, if you are not here to witness my actions in real life, don't attempt to judge them from the Internet. 

Thank you.